Dreading next week

If you've talked to me in the last couple months you've no doubt heard me talk about the struggles of having two kids. I don't know how people raise more than two kids, it's been so stressful, tiring, frustrating. I love both of my kids and they still melt my heart daily but it's no easy task. I have an incredible wife who has allowed me to have a lot of free time this summer as she has taken on much of the day to day parenting. She goes back to work this upcoming Monday and so begins my return to at home parenting. I'm petrified. With one kid it was a difficult but manageable role...Gemma and I would usually sleep in a bit, watch some TV, eat breakfast, do one activity or outing then Nevada would come home for lunch, we would nap for almost two hours after lunch and then kill off one more hour with a snack and activity. It was a busy day but worked out well. Gemma now is a lot busier and needs much more stimulation which is exhausting and now there's a second one with a routine of his own and very different needs. I have complete respect and admiration for at home parents who do this job with their whole heart and whole energy. When I began in the role of stay at home parent my focus was to make up for where my father failed. Growing up without a dad has had it's effects on my life and I wanted a chance to out-do him as well as right the ship moving forward. I believe i started strong but almost 3 years in I'm struggling. I've also gained an appreciate for my role in the workplace and have had a change of heart, I now want to be able to work hard at my job and provide for my family. This is not the reality of our situation here in Taiwan. I work at a small church that pays me what it can but it isn't head of household kind of money. So with that being said I maintain one foot in the door at home and one in the workplace. We have had wonderful friends who have babysat for me in the past years so that I could get away from the house to work or to destress a little. This year we're trying something new by hiring our friend Annabelle to babysit consistently 4 afternoons a week. She's an amazing woman who has a gift with little kids. Gemma loves her and has so much fun when they are together. I know she will do a good job. I'm still parenting in the mornings and one full day a week. Please pray for me as I'm totally overwhelmed and feel like I won't make it. I want to be a great dad for my kids but somedays I just don't feel like I can do it.