Fatherhood

(Originally written on Dec.10/08)
Something fairly heavy has been on my mind in the last few months and I was reminded of it with something Nevada said. As I was hugging Gemma and laughing with her Nevada said "Can you believe your dad missed out on this?". (maybe not exact words but something like that) My father wasn't the man he needed to be when I was a baby/infant and although I don't know all of the details what I do know is that he ceased to be a part of my life when I was 2. Ever since I got married and started thinking about a future with children I knew i had to be different and do it differently than I experienced. In my mind a big thing I could do is make a commitment to being with my child, loving on my child. Although it's still not the standard, I wanted to be a stay-at-home dad. It seemed the best way to "be there" for my child. I've been lucky to have a wife that has been willing to support that. I've really enjoyed growing up with Gemma and spending time with her. Sometimes it hasn't been fun or easy but every time I get a hug, a kiss or a giggle I can't imagine doing it any other way. With only two years as a dad under my belt I'm a changed man and can't wait for a lifetime with my little one(s).

With that in mind my ideas and heart have been adjusting. I think my original idea (of being a stay at home dad) was a bit based on emotional parenting. I am a touchy-feely kind of guy and missed out on having that kind of dad so I wanted to be that for Gemma. I don't regret it but I'm moving into a new stage of my fatherhood values. I've never been ignorant to the provider role but chose the emotional provider role over the practical/financial provider role. Nearing 30 years old and with a second child on the way I'm trying to make that adjustment to figuring out how to take care of the future of my family. As a person pursuing my calling in ministry I will never be wealthy but I want to always do my best with what I've got to provide for my family. The next year may bring some big changes in our life as a family but with some aches and pains my hope is that we will move into a stage that is both rewarding and secure. I believe God has us firmly in his grasp and as long as we seek hard after what He wants for us we will be taken care of. I am positive that God is calling me to step up into my role as a man and not just a young man.